Living in the Present...Maybe

I don’t think anyone would say that staying in the present is a bad thing as far as our emotional health goes. Jesus said to, twelve step groups say to, self-help authors say to. But when dark thoughts come, is it always helpful to try to stay in the present? For me the answer is no. There are situations where trying to stay in the present is very useful to me. If I’m feeling regretful about the past, if I’m angry with people for things I think they’re going to do in the future or if I’m feeling bitter because I long for more material things and don’t think I’ll end up getting them, then realizing that I’m dealing only with this single moment can quickly ease a lot of that discomfort.

There are other times, though, when I’m emotionally troubled and trying to stay in the present seems to aggravate the situation. I am filled with panic or dread about something that could happen in the future, and I try to make myself understand that I can only experience today. For example, I can be at peace because the medical claim isn’t being denied today… I can be at peace because my daughter has not been diagnosed with a disease today… I can be at peace because I can pay my bills today...It’s true and it makes sense, but the fear may be so awful that it keeps popping back into my mind. I’ll frantically keep trying to correct my thoughts. I’ll try to use will power to keep my mind focused on the present so that I will feel okay, but it doesn’t work.

And that’s where the problem lies. If I’m extremely worried about something of a grave nature, I am not okay. In that situation, I am a person filled with fear, and it’s not okay for me to feel like that. Bringing myself back to the present helps when I know better than to feed the thoughts I’m having, but what if I don’t know better? What if I knew I would die tomorrow? Could I be okay with it by focusing on this moment, feeling the keys clicking underneath my fingers, listening to the hum of the air conditioner and smelling roasted potatoes in the kitchen? I don’t think so. I think I would be filled with worry about the emotional and financial impact on my children, and I don’t think I could chase the feeling off by recognizing that it had not occurred yet.

I’m an intelligent person. If I can think my way out of distress, I probably will. If I can’t think my way out of it, it doesn’t mean that I need to try harder. It means that I’m having a harsh encounter with my makeup, my humanness. The only thing that can help me is to realize that I cannot help myself, no matter how much I want to be able to. Trying to play mind games with myself to escape from fear delays my taking the problems that overwhelm me to God. God empowers me to deal with things that bother me, but the things that terrify me are his domain, not mine. I am not supposed to handle those matters myself any more than my seven year old is supposed to sew stitches in her forehead.

What about asking for God’s help to live in the present? Wouldn’t that be following the advice given in books and taking the problem to God? Yes, but what may be more important is that I am trying to beat the system and think of the angle that will make things okay. God is not going to make me earn his help through my own cleverness. He’s going to help me through my fear because I ask him and he loves me. I can ask God for anything I want, but if I put pressure on myself to appeal to him in the right way, then I’m trying to solve the problem myself. In AA we sometimes talk of the most powerful prayer that we ever prayed, the one we prayed before we ended up in our first meetings, the one that changed our lives. Although the settings and circumstances were different for us all when we prayed that prayer, we’re in complete agreement on what the words were. “Help me.”