A Tribute

18 months ago I realized that my dream of being a stay-at-home mom was apparently not what God intended me to do. I had been trying for years to find a way to make it work financially, and our financial situation only worsened year after year. Finally I started to say, "God, it looks like you want me to get a full-time job. Please let me know forcefully if I'm misunderstanding you." And there would be silence.

So in the summer of 2006, I took my first tiny step toward aligning my will with God's. I updated my resume. I set a 15 minute timer and told myself that all I needed to do was work 15 minutes on it and that I could work on it for another 15 minutes the next day. The technical side of updating it was no problem at all since I write resumes for other people. I just couldn't believe the candidate described on the computer screen was me. It was so official.

I didn't start applying to jobs at that point, though. I was afraid that I would be hired too soon, and that I would miss out on my last free summer with my kids. I decided to start actually applying in August '06. And the whole time I waited for my deadline, and when my deadline came, I was terrified.

I overuse the word terrified a lot. But when I describe the way I felt about working full-time again, I truly do mean there was terror. Sometimes my body shook and my extremities quivered from the fear. I believed that I was incompetent and inept. I believed that in any job I started that I would learn so slowly and make such stupid mistakes that they would regret hiring me. These were not little worries being whispered in my ear. These were things that I believed at my core. I was scared about how hard it would be to find a job, but I was even more worried that once I found one, my coworkers and supervisor would be disgusted with me, and I would be miserable.

I asked God to please help me find a niche in an office where I could do the work well and everyone would be glad that I had come to work there. Later I started adding that since I didn't want to work full-time, it would be great if God could find me a job where I was actually helping people. Three months later I was interviewing to be the assistant to the director of a local charity, and I closed my eyes and jumped into the unknown.

Last night I had my performance review. I post this not to compliment myself, but as a tribute to how unbelievably wise, powerful and loving God is. Here are the remarks made about someone who, 18 months ago, was physically ill due to her fear of failure:

- Excellent work ethic...
- Accomplishes what is set before her every day...
- Quick study and good listener to learn how to do her job...
- ...Excellent thinker in deciding on how to proceed when faced with new issues
- Always willing to help no matter what the task and takes on new assignments with enthusiasm...
- ...I believe her capacity is much greater than we are currently utilizing
- I am very dependent on her eyes and ears and expect to become more so the longer we work together.

And these were snippets. My review was so outstanding that I can hardly digest it. I was so scared of working full-time, and God put me in a job where I could soar. So that is why I have written about my job review on my spiritual blog. It's another sign that God knows exactly what he's doing, and that he loves me.

Jesus, I love you and the Father. I love it when I know that the Holy Spirit fills me. I love the saints, Mary, St. Benedict...too many to name. Thank you all for loving me and taking care of me. I don't think there's anything I more I can add.