Happy All Saints Day

Last night was wonderful for my children, and so sad for me.

First we experienced a bizarre social situation that no one but my husband and I seem to find ourselves in. A few weeks ago we had happily accepted an invitation to come to a Halloween party, eat chili and trick or treat with a neighborhood family. On Sunday we stopped by their house to see if the party was still on and to ask if we could bring anything. But when my husband showed up at their house ahead of us last night, he came right back home and said they didn't seem to remember inviting us.

I had a bad feeling but didn't trust my husband's judgment completely. So we started trick or treating with our children and quickly ended up at their house. The wife gave out candy to my daughters, flashed us a fast smile and waved goodbye to us, not inviting us in.

I felt like I'd received a blow, but I tried to get into the spirit of the night for my children. But now, without new friends and a party to distract me, I was up against the Halloween-induced shame that I experience every year. Nearly every house we went to had an immaculate lawn. Their front doors and treatmentless windows revealed beautifully decorated and scrupulously clean interiors. Several of the houses had Halloween lights, spooky figures and tombstones. One family even had a fog machine.

Once we headed back to our unkempt house, and I polished my dinner off with at least 12 Reese's cups, the night was complete. My children were feeling successful and excited as they inventoried their candy, but I felt extremely low. I called my sponsor, and she said, "M., I have seen you find so much peace in taking your feelings to your Higher Power and finding your safe place with him, that it really inspires me." But I didn't do that last night.

I haven't been doing it over the past several days.

I read a very all-or-nothing book about God's will last week. You're either walking with God, or you've turned your back on him, says the book. You either love him enough to make the choice to follow him, or you don't. You either have access to his grace through your obedience, or you have cut yourself off through your selfish disobedience. Reading books like this seems to damage my relationship with God instead of helping me to grow in my faith. Since I know that there are character defects that I'm manifesting right now, and since I know there are parts of my life that I'm not turning over to God right now, I read that book and thought, "What's the use? I want God to help me with A,B and C, but I don't feel ready to try to practice perfect obedience right this second, so I guess I'm cut off from God right now."

Last night the dull hurt of feeling cut off combining with the acute pain of feeling like a loser on Halloween really did not feel good. And what was the most troubling was my belief that I had brought every bit of it on myself by not being good enough, and that I'm not really ever going to be able to change. I feel the same way this morning. But last night was a party, and today is a holiday. It is All Saints Day.

I believe that God led me to the Catholic church because he knew how much I would grow to love certain saints, how much they would help me and how much I would grow to trust them...all of that, of course, resulting in stronger faith in God. Today I have woken up feeling like a messy, fat, selfish failure, but I am called to celebrate the gift we've been given of having friends of Jesus in heaven who hear our needs, love us and delight in helping us through the power of God.

Today is a day to take my self-hatred to Mary, Pope John Paul II, St. Monica and my other friends in heaven. Today is a day to be with them, be thankful for them and find my safe place with them. I won't make any demands. They are my way back home.