When He Was Enough For Me

It is hard to believe that a few weeks ago I felt like I had a spiritual core. Right after Halloween, I developed reactive arthritis from a virus, and I have been on prescription pain medicine off and on since then. I have had chemically induced moments of such peace and optimism that I could not help but rely on painkillers to give me relief from fear and darkness. I do not remember what it was like when God was my Higher Power and when he was enough for me. It does not seem like a relationship with God can ever be enough again.

I know what to do: pray, go to meetings, talk to people and let go. I also know that the feelings I want to escape from – fear, loneliness, sadness and shame - will trouble me until I let them surface. There is one more thing that I know, and it is probably the hardest part to accept. I know that I cannot control when I will feel better. I can pray, I can live in the solution, I can surrender and I can even truly want God’s will. However, I will feel better when I am supposed to, and I have no idea how long it will take for that feeling to get here.

And at a time when I need to feel a spiritual connection the most, reading and journaling cause more neck strain than I can tolerate. So as I wait to become assured of God’s care again, I cannot use the tools that I have relied on so heavily in the past. I can’t read my Emmet Fox books. I can’t read a few paragraphs of my Norman Vincent Peale books. I can’t read the story of a miraculous healing in The Miracles of John Paul II. I can’t read the daily meditations in my Al-Anon books. I can’t write in my journal about the day’s struggles or anything that gave me hope.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. That is my reality for the moment. I can’t; this will never work. I said once in an AA meeting that if I miss meetings, not only does my disease lie to me about how harmless drinking is, but it also lies to me about how good God is.

And that is the only faith I have right now. Life seems empty and bleak, I feel like I am in the world all alone, and I cannot imagine ever feeling joy again because I know that God loves me. But a tiny part of me says that this is just my disease lying to me again, kicking me while I’m down.

I hope so.

So Many Of My Tears

God is amazing. Sometimes you can look back at a course of events and see how he was working in your life and protecting you from something ahead of time. I am in the middle of this phenomenon right now.

Yesterday I woke up feeling mournful, but the fact that it was All Saints Day seemed very significant to me. I talked to the saints that are special to me and offered up prayers of thanks for them. I fell into a state of abundant willingness, which is a soothing albeit mysterious state for me to be in. There was no fear that God has a protective circle and that I was outside of it. If such a circle exists, I knew I was in the fold.

Within hours, I was in a family crisis, and my husband and I again talked about divorce and separation. My earlier contemplation of the saints and my awareness of God's love allowed me to become calm and rational. I was able to wear an impenetrable shield without hardening my heart.

I don't know what today holds, but I know I am loved and protected. And I especially want to say that I love Mary. I have turned to her again and again, and she has always helped me. I gave her so many of my tears yesterday, and I know that she listened to me, loved me and made sure I knew I wasn't alone.

Happy All Saints Day

Last night was wonderful for my children, and so sad for me.

First we experienced a bizarre social situation that no one but my husband and I seem to find ourselves in. A few weeks ago we had happily accepted an invitation to come to a Halloween party, eat chili and trick or treat with a neighborhood family. On Sunday we stopped by their house to see if the party was still on and to ask if we could bring anything. But when my husband showed up at their house ahead of us last night, he came right back home and said they didn't seem to remember inviting us.

I had a bad feeling but didn't trust my husband's judgment completely. So we started trick or treating with our children and quickly ended up at their house. The wife gave out candy to my daughters, flashed us a fast smile and waved goodbye to us, not inviting us in.

I felt like I'd received a blow, but I tried to get into the spirit of the night for my children. But now, without new friends and a party to distract me, I was up against the Halloween-induced shame that I experience every year. Nearly every house we went to had an immaculate lawn. Their front doors and treatmentless windows revealed beautifully decorated and scrupulously clean interiors. Several of the houses had Halloween lights, spooky figures and tombstones. One family even had a fog machine.

Once we headed back to our unkempt house, and I polished my dinner off with at least 12 Reese's cups, the night was complete. My children were feeling successful and excited as they inventoried their candy, but I felt extremely low. I called my sponsor, and she said, "M., I have seen you find so much peace in taking your feelings to your Higher Power and finding your safe place with him, that it really inspires me." But I didn't do that last night.

I haven't been doing it over the past several days.

I read a very all-or-nothing book about God's will last week. You're either walking with God, or you've turned your back on him, says the book. You either love him enough to make the choice to follow him, or you don't. You either have access to his grace through your obedience, or you have cut yourself off through your selfish disobedience. Reading books like this seems to damage my relationship with God instead of helping me to grow in my faith. Since I know that there are character defects that I'm manifesting right now, and since I know there are parts of my life that I'm not turning over to God right now, I read that book and thought, "What's the use? I want God to help me with A,B and C, but I don't feel ready to try to practice perfect obedience right this second, so I guess I'm cut off from God right now."

Last night the dull hurt of feeling cut off combining with the acute pain of feeling like a loser on Halloween really did not feel good. And what was the most troubling was my belief that I had brought every bit of it on myself by not being good enough, and that I'm not really ever going to be able to change. I feel the same way this morning. But last night was a party, and today is a holiday. It is All Saints Day.

I believe that God led me to the Catholic church because he knew how much I would grow to love certain saints, how much they would help me and how much I would grow to trust them...all of that, of course, resulting in stronger faith in God. Today I have woken up feeling like a messy, fat, selfish failure, but I am called to celebrate the gift we've been given of having friends of Jesus in heaven who hear our needs, love us and delight in helping us through the power of God.

Today is a day to take my self-hatred to Mary, Pope John Paul II, St. Monica and my other friends in heaven. Today is a day to be with them, be thankful for them and find my safe place with them. I won't make any demands. They are my way back home.